I have this very weird, love/hate relationship with being alone. I’m easily annoyed, offended, and overwhelmed (hey its the truth lol, at least I can admit it!) so I truly do enjoy being alone. I feel like that’s why our (previously) long distance relationship worked so well. I can entertain myself and keep myself busy (or not busy by binge watching tv shows). Jake and I have always been really good about spending time apart.
But I also FEAR being alone. Like get outrageously paranoid at the thought of sleeping in my house alone. I wasn’t always this way! I feel like one day I just became this walking paranoia lol. I blame my dad for always having me watching crime shows with him as a kid.
So for me to decide not to join my husband in Kansas City for the season was a very hard, very stressful, and very overwhelming decision. I didn’t want to be there. I still don’t lol. Sounds mean I know. I like it there, I swear I do. But this season I’ve just felt this giant pull in my soul to stay home for awhile. I’m not sure if the weather difference, if it’s some soul searching I wanna do, or if it’s just pregnancy making me want to nest in my own home… Idk. But I feel pulled to stay here a while longer! It’s our home. It’s what we’ve spent so much time and money making everything exactly as we want it. I don’t want to leave it yet.
So what I’ve decided (as of now, knowing me I could wake up tomorrow and totally change my mind) is to stay in Arizona until the twins finish school. This is shocking because for so long, both Jake and I were like “school shmool… they can miss a couple months when they’re young” But seeing how excited Jones is to see his friends at school and hear Penelope talk about what she made me is so heart warming!! So by June I would like to move to Kansas City. Stay there for the remainder of the season, and deliver our little boy there in Kansas City.
This decision did not come easy. I feel like everyday I would bring it up to Jake and ask his opinion. He probably hated me lol. I kept asking HIM what I should do. As if he knew what was best for me. I guess I just wanted someone to tell me what I should do. I have never been good at decision making lol.
Every time we talked about it, it basically always came back to, “I want to stay in Arizona. I’m just scared to be alone”. Alone in my house yes absolutely. I already said I’ve become SUCH a scardey cat. But also scared to be alone with my kids again. I’ve done the whole single parenting thing before and I was MISERABLE. Legit blacked out the first two months of their life and I was in a state of depression I hope I never have to be in again. Here I was living alone with TWO newborn babies and still in college. It was a belittling experience for me. Made me feel like I wouldn’t be able to handle motherhood from the get-go.
So while we have decided to deliver this baby in Kansas City to avoid me being alone with THREE kids, we still struggled with that decision too. Both me and Jake wanted all our kids to be born in Arizona. I know I know, it doesn’t matter. But we just liked the idea of all three of our babies being AZ babies. Plus I wanted to bring the baby home to our house in PHX where I can everything set up just how I want it. I’m a bit of a control freak like that 😉 But we’ve decided all that can wait two months and its more important to be together when the baby comes. (And avoid my total downwards spiral lol).
So we will be going to Kansas City for opening week, wouldn’t miss dad’s first game! Then the kids and I will head back to PHX and live here just us for two months. They can go to school. I can work on a nursery. We can enjoy our new backyard. Of course we have trips planned! We will go to Tampa to see Jake when he plays there. It’s our favorite place to visit. And then were also going to LA where my sister is joining us and were taking all our kids to DISNEY! Can’t wait. Those trips are perfectly spaced out about 3 weeks apart. So we’re never going tooooo long without seeing dad. And before we know it, I’m sure it will be time to move there!
I am excited to live there again. I had a really good time last year. There’s just no rush for me this year. So we will see how this goes! I am hoping for the best and hoping my kids don’t make me regret this decision LOL.
Thanks for following on our journey! I’ll be sure to share more.