Reflecting on 2019

The end of a decade, can you believe it? I can’t. Anyone else like super weirded out to think of like eventually saying “oh it’s 2040, nbd” Idk it just sounds so weird doesn’t it?!

Anyways.. I’ve been thinking/reflecting back on this past year (I won’t say decade because picturing little emo me at 14 has me LOLing. Too young to discuss my past decade). But this past year has me feeling very…. indifferent. Very mehh. It wasn’t the best year ever, wasn’t the worst year. It was just a very mundane year. 

I do feel bad saying that because it was the year we brought our last baby into this world and you would think that would give me all sorts of crazy emotions, which it does. But as I have shared before, I had a really hard pregnancy. And I also spent most of the year pregnant so it was just challenging. I won’t talk anymore about that because I am so thankful that I was able to get pregnant and so thankful that my healthy baby boy has joined the family!

If I was forced to pick one word that described my 2019 it would be

uncomfortable. 

It was a very uncomfortable year. I’m sure you’re automatically thinking of the exact definition of uncomfortable (causing or feeling slight pain or physical discomfort), which yes. I experienced a lot of uncomfortable moments in that sense. I was indeed in physical discomfort because I was pregnant lol. But I also very uncomfortable in a lot of other senses. 

I spent the majority of the baseball season separated from my husband and that was uncomfortable for my family. It was a really really hard choice (hence why I changed my mind 27 times) to make after we hadn’t done long distance in a while. I ultimately made the decision and as uncomfortable as it was, it was exactly what I needed. Marriage is hard work, but it is even harder work when you’re miles apart and there are kids involved.  It really really forced my husband and I to communicate, prioritize, and respect each other. It was a very eye opening season for us. And while majority of the baseball families choose to stay together during the season, I just don’t think that works for us and that’s ok!! It took me a long to be comfortable to say that I am not cut out for the life of baseball, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it. We just will do it our own way. It takes a special marriage to be able to do this distance/family/baseball stuff, but I am so thankful I have the supportive partner that I do to figure this out with. 

I was also uncomfortable in my own skin for most of the year- pregnant/not pregnant. This goes deeper than just “oh I don’t like the way I look with baby weight/bad skin”. That too was a big struggle, but more so I just didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel like I knew who I was or even who I wanted to be. I am a mom and a wife and those are the two most important roles.. but I just know I have the potential to be so much more. I love my kids and my family with all my heart but they do not define me. I am still working on this one, but I am finally comfortable with the direction I am headed.

I think the biggest, and most important, season of being uncomfortable came when I made myself uncomfortable. I have always had a good group of friends thanks to college and baseball and friends I have literally had since preschool. But the problem is that everyone lives in different areas. All my friends live across the country and very very few good friends lived in AZ. This was always really hard for me because I thrive off of my friendships. I cannot express how crucial girl time is for me, especially since I am only 24 with three kids. 

Well this year I really pushed myself to get uncomfortable and meet friends. It’s like I was dating all over again.. but to find friends. I literally was meeting strangers for coffee or brunch or dinner and just trying to find my people for here in AZ. And let me tell you I am so thankful I did. I met new mom friends and I met girls I feel like I have known forever. I even thankfully had friends I’ve known for yeeeears to move to AZ and now I can finally say I feel like AZ is home for us. We’ve lived here for 5 years now, but we just never really had a solid friend group here. Now we do and it has made all the difference for us. 

Last, but not least, I made other people uncomfortable. This was the hardest. I am sort of a people pleaser, so I kept finding myself doing things I did not want to do. I was answering texts and FaceTime calls when I didn’t want to. I was being overly nice/sugar coating things just to keep others happy. I was getting involved in things I didn’t care about.. the list goes on. It all comes down to me and my mental health and just taking those much needed moments to MYSELF. This was hard, very hard… but It allowed me to grow SO MUCH. I mean it only took 24 years.. but I finally feel I can stand up for myself. I don’t engage in small talk if I don’t want to.. I don’t answer texts just for the sake of someone else. I started saying how I really felt and my gosh… it has been so liberating. Doesn’t matter if it is family or friends or totally strangers. You just have to focus on yourself first before you give to others. 

So while 2019 was very uncomfortable for me, I can see now how it very necessary to grow and get to where I am. I’m not done growing. I will continue to learn and to do so means I will be uncomfortable.. but I am ok with that now. As cliche as it, I am ready to see what the new year will bring for me and my family. We are ready.

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